Optimistic Student Buys Jumbo 24-Pack Of Condoms Ahead Of BSOC Camp

Optimistic first-year Comm/Law student Stephen Lee was seen purchasing a 24-pack of Durex condoms today at the lower campus IGA store at UNSW.

When asked for comment, Mr Lee claimed that he had heard stories from friends about the debauchery at the notorious annual trip, and didn’t want to turn up unprepared.

“I mean I’m definitely going to be slaying, and I don’t want to get to night two and realise that I’ve run out of rubbers, so I thought I should get the bigger box,” said Mr Lee.

“Plus, this way maybe if some of my mates get lucky, I can help them out too,” he added, before clarifying, “Nah, they’re all too ugly to pick up. Especially when I’m around.”

When asked for comment, The UNSW Business Society said whilst they promoted both widespread networking at the camp and safe sex, they hoped that students would be respectful in their relations, and wouldn’t do anything they might regret.

First Year Definitely Not Just Joining Society Because Of Cute Girl Running Stall

First-year student Aaron Aung has fiercely denied claims that he only joined the UNSW Curling Society because of the attractive girl who was running the stall.

Mr Aung, who didn’t join any other societies during O-Week other than the Arts Society associated with his Arts degree, argued that he has always held a deeply rooted interest in Curling.

“The UNSW Curling Society deeply aligns with my personal interests, so I saw it as a great opportunity to meet other like-minded Curlers,” said Mr Aung.

“If there’s a few cute girls in the society, that’s just a nice bonus.”

Mr Aung’s friend and fellow first-year Michael Lim disputed his claims, saying that his friend had never mentioned the sport of curling in their 8 years of friendship, and that he was very obviously attracted to the girl.

“Mate, he was standing there with his mouth agape – he was practically drooling,” said Mr Lim.

The UNSW Times has reached out to the Curling Society for comment.

 

Student Placing Third Order On The Iconic This Week Definitely Not Stress Shopping

Third year UNSW Arts/Law student Chantelle Wang has strongly denied accusations that she is “stress shopping”, after placing her third order of the week on popular online shopping store The Iconic this morning.

Ms Wang, who spends approximately 40% of her monthly income on online shopping, claims that each of the items she purchased were summer essentials, and not a source of retail therapy to repress the feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy that have plagued her exam period thus far.

“I definitely need another pair of black leggings ok – I know I have three pairs already, but these ones have mesh strips down the side which is ESSENTIAL for summer breathability,” she said.

“Then I needed at least three more playsuits, some shorts and tops, and a couple of pairs of shoes to fill out my summer wardrobe. I know I have all my clothes still from last summer, but those were purchased during a different time of definitely-not-stress-shopping and I need a new aesthetic.”

Ms Wang’s friends claim that she is blatantly lying, with close friend Layla Reynolds suggesting she was a first-hand witness of one of Ms Wang’s mentally unstable shopping binges.

“We were in the library just studying, then all of a sudden she yells out ‘FUCK this I need some new shoes’,” said Ms Reynolds.

“I jumped out of my fucking skin, and by the time I looked over she already had like four items in her cart.”

 

 

HSC Student Snaps, Kills University Student That Tells Her “Just Wait Til University”

Local year 12 student Sarah Reynolds was arrested today for the brutal stabbing murder of UNSW student Catherine Zeng.

Ms Reynolds was reportedly speaking to Ms Zeng about her struggles with the ongoing HSC examinations when Zeng told her, “Just wait til university, it’s like HSC twice a year” – the eighth such interaction of the week for Ms Reynolds, which caused her to snap.

Witness and friend of Ms Zeng, Jessica Smith, says the scene quickly transformed from a normal, quiet Wednesday at the UNSW library, into a bloodbath.

“It was dead quiet, we were just on level five and we heard that girl complaining about paper 1 English earlier today, and we just giggled,” said Ms Smith.

“She turned around and confronted us, which is when Cat told her to wait til uni. She just snapped – suddenly there was a knife in her hand, Cat was on the floor, there was blood everywhere, and everyone was running and screaming.”

The library remains a crime scene, and there is a strong police campus around the building as authorities stay ready to respond to more HSC-fuelled meltdowns, something they fear is more likely now that the popular study space has been closed down to visitors.

 

 

White Man Finally Feels Comfortable To Share His Experiences Of Discrimination & Oppression

Local white man John Smith has come forward for the first time today to detail what he has described as extensive, wide-ranging experiences of oppression and discrimination.

Mr Smith claims that until One Nation senator Pauline Hanson presented the motion that “It’s OK To Be White” in Australia Parliament yesterday, he felt completely isolated and unable to express his emotional trauma built up from decades of experiencing absolutely zero systematic racism.

“Look, it’s been tough over the past few years mate,” Mr Smith told The UNSW Times. “I feel like I can barely even walk down the street without being judged for the colour of my skin.”

“I was eating at a nice Chinesey restaurant the other day, and the table next to me was talking some foreign language and laughing,” he said. “They only looked at me once, but I can tell they were laughing at me – most things are about me. I’m a white dude, after all.”

Although Mr Smith says he hasn’t experienced any of the “attacks on Western civilisation” outlined in Ms Hanson’s senate proposal, he says it’s only a matter of time.

“Mate, these Asians are taking over Sydney. How long do you reckon it’s gonna be before one of them Kung-Fu-Pandas me in the back of the head? I’m telling ya – they’re out to get us.”

Mr Smith believes that Ms Hanson’s proposal was long overdue, and didn’t bat an eye at the fact that it was coming from a woman who has previously racially vilified Asian, Muslim, and Indigenous communities, to name just a few.

“Mate, it’s about bloody time we got someone in Parliament who actually gives a shit about the true blue, white-skinned Aussies,” he said.

 

Student Breaks Down After Realising Lecture He Skipped Every Week Is Compulsory

Local student James Dong has suffered an immense mental breakdown after realising that the lecture that he has attended zero times thus far this semester is compulsory.

Mr Dong is reportedly seriously considering a career in male stripping after making the discovery in week 12, far beyond the census date and much too late to make up for or explain his past absences.

“Man I was just scrolling through the course outline for the first time to see whether or not there was a final exam, and next thing I knew I see the attendance section, where it says we have to attend at least 80% of classes – including lectures – and that attendance is recorded,” said Mr Dong.

“It’s bullshit – why should I have to trek to uni and waste 2 hours listening to some guy talk, when I could just sit at home and get through it in an hour on Echo at double speed whilst watching Netflix in the background?”

Mr Dong says he was already considering the male stripper career path before making the discovery.

“I mean, I’ve been getting pretty shredded over the past couple of years with the non-stop rave schedule, so I may as well put it to good use right?”

When The UNSW Times reached out to some of Mr Dong’s classmates for comment, it emerged that many students were unaware of the attendance requirement.

“You’re fucking with me right?” asked one classmate.

“Is that a joke? If not I’m dropping out. Fuck this,” said another.

 

Smart Student And Dumb Student Have Opposing Reactions To Being Grouped Together For Assignment

Smart student Sarah Kim and dumb student Jason Li have today reacted very differently to the news they would be grouped together for an upcoming assignment.

Although the news was overwhelmingly positive for local dumb man Mr Li, Ms Kim found herself dismayed as she was faced with the prospect of having to work twice as hard in order to maintain her High Distinction WAM.

Speaking to Mr Kim, his excitement at the pairing was immediately evident.

“I can’t believe my luck! I was on track for low-50s in this course, but now i’m with Sarah who does the readings and stuff, so I’m hoping for at least a D!”

In contrast, Ms Kim presented as incredibly frustrated in our conversation with her.

“This kid says nothing in class ever, and when we were first paired together he just looked at me with this blank stare, as if I was his mum or something.”

“I’ll probably end up just doing all the work myself, at least that way I know it will be decent – even if it means having no life for a while.”

Ms Kim says this is a regular occurrence for her at university, and she has gotten used to carrying the load.

“99% of people in this world are dumb as shit, so you gotta learn to fight through and do shit for yourself – even if that means dragging a bunch of nobodies with you.”

NSW Government Discovered To Be Behind Never-Ending Construction In UNSW Quad

It has been discovered that the NSW Government, specifically the department behind Light Rail development in Sydney, is to blame for the ongoing construction in the UNSW Quad.

The construction site, which has show few signs of progress in the several months it has been blocked off to students, takes up more than half of the popular grass area, disrupting the popular hang-out area.

There is a growing conspiracy that the stagnant site is part of a Government plan to slowly suffocate Sydney under perpetual construction, with the behind-schedule, over-budget Light Rail development being at the centre of the plot.

The UNSW Times reached out to the Government for comment, but we were immediately hung up on when we mentioned the conspiracy.

Fucking Failure Receives Yet Another Internship Rejection, Questions Existence

Third year Commerce/Law student Aaron Lang is today questioning the meaning of life after receiving his seventeenth internship rejection of the year earlier this week.

Mr Lang, who spent $1,200 on a new suit earlier this year in anticipation of being invited to interviews, says the rejections are starting to take their toll.

“The first time I got a rejection email, I was halfway through reading it before it became clear that I didn’t get the job,” said Mr Lang.

“Since then it’s gotten a little easier – the hope that was there the first time has basically been completely squashed, and now I’m surprised if I even get past the testing phase.”

Mr Lang believes that his marks and extra curricular activities should be sufficient for him to at least get an interview, but says the video interviews are where he comes unstuck.

“It’s so weird talking to a screen,” he said. “I end up getting getting too comfortable and acting as though I’m Skyping the girlfriend.”

Mr Lang says he is starting to seriously consider other career paths.

“Apparently tradies make bank,” he said. “Maybe I’ll drop out and go to TAFE.”

 

BREAKING: Three Dead After Outbreak Of Ligma On UNSW’s Kensington Campus

Three people are dead and another three hundred and twenty-seven remain under quarantine after an outbreak of the Ligma virus on UNSW’s Kensington Campus this week.

A body was found in the middle of Village Green oval around midday Monday, and by the time tests confirmed the presence of the virus later that afternoon, two more bodies had been found.

The campus was immediately evacuated, except for the students in the south-west quadrant of the school, who were quarantined as a precaution. A fumigation team was brought in to spray the antidote Sitondis gas around the campus.

The Ligma virus is a rare and little-known condition whose symptoms can vary from case-to-case, making it very difficult to definitively diagnose – at least until it’s too late.

The virus has a 70% mortality rate, and The NSW Department of Health says that it is shocking that only 3 people died in this instance.

“Usually if you so much as brush someone who has the disease, you’ll get infected yourself,” said a spokesperson. “The person who died must have been a loser with only like two friends – they probably make really bad puns or something.”

It is believed the condition was brought onto campus by a student who spent the summer in the Sugondese alps.

The NSW Department of Heath says anyone with further information on the outbreak should “LIGMA BALLS”.